[Reader's discretion is advised...Folks who don't wanna spoil their morning refrain from reading below, this is just my rants and absolutely nothing useful]
I am angry....nopes furious, that would suit better, it's on myself, it's just me and my mood swings. I blame nobody, i complain about none...it's myself, it's just me and my mood swings...
My crazy mood swings has become a routine off late and i kinda accepted it and learnt to live with. But, sometime it's when this goes little beyond control and then the trouble i put others into (call it the Chaos theory or the butterfly effect) is what irks me high time. Today is exactly one such day.
It all started yesterday night, i went home late from work after hectic lobbying with the team and client teams to get things closed. As i had my dinner my mom had some petty complaints(that's what i thought) on my dad that he threw some chargers(wires) and other things to thrash in the pretext of cleaning the house. My dad is one person who doesn't like to be complained (who does) even if he is at fault started resenting. I had to calm both of them down and went to bed.
Morning before taking bath, i went and started checking in the thrash if something needs to be restored. This, for the reason that few years back we lost our mobike's RC book (most probably thrown in the thrash as a unwanted old book, while cleaning). We could not sell the bike and people scared with lotsa processes about getting the duplicate papers.
As i went to the side of my house where they'd kept those so called unwanted (to be thrashed) items in covers. To my shock there were 4 big thrash bags filled to the brim...
I first checked the first bag, guess what! my titan edge's warranty card along with bill, couple of expired ATM cards and a valid unexpired ATM card, and few other items(definitely not to be thrashed) is what i recovered. Being the impatient me, mood swings took over and from nowhere i got pissed off and started shouting at my dad. He being him started to resent and give back saying "yeah may be one or two items by mistake"...That's it, hell broke loose and i being the younger, more energetic and most unapologetic took control over the fight. At one stage my dad agreed his mistake and sat quietly.
I should have understood that he is old, an age prone to make such mistakes, i should have been patient enough to handle him and explain him. Instead i vented out on all of my anger(accumulated for so many things) on him non stop. Poor him listened to everything and kept quiet. Somehow i could not be normal at all the whole of the morning, anger kept coming on everything, a sunken feeling along with it, a feeling of guilt took over. I left for work but still something heavy inside as if I've added a big load of sins inside me along with the ones already loaded.
Even as i pen down this rant of mine, i feel so critical about myself as to why am i like this, not able to control myself. This makes me feel even more angry on my own self. I know everyone is not white or black, but a hue of grey..I don't wanna say that as an excuse for my shortcomings...
I just called home to say sorry, my mom took the phone and poor her didn't hear what i said, i immediately raised my voice to her and said 'Can't u hear me or what ?'. Oh God! I don't know how to control my anger, feeling really really low this morning...Not good enough to even apologise to them...
I am angry....nopes furious, that would suit better, it's on myself, it's just me and my mood swings. I blame nobody, i complain about none...it's myself, it's just me and my mood swings...
I am angry....nopes furious, that would suit better, it's on myself, it's just me and my mood swings. I blame nobody, i complain about none...it's myself, it's just me and my mood swings...
My crazy mood swings has become a routine off late and i kinda accepted it and learnt to live with. But, sometime it's when this goes little beyond control and then the trouble i put others into (call it the Chaos theory or the butterfly effect) is what irks me high time. Today is exactly one such day.
It all started yesterday night, i went home late from work after hectic lobbying with the team and client teams to get things closed. As i had my dinner my mom had some petty complaints(that's what i thought) on my dad that he threw some chargers(wires) and other things to thrash in the pretext of cleaning the house. My dad is one person who doesn't like to be complained (who does) even if he is at fault started resenting. I had to calm both of them down and went to bed.
Morning before taking bath, i went and started checking in the thrash if something needs to be restored. This, for the reason that few years back we lost our mobike's RC book (most probably thrown in the thrash as a unwanted old book, while cleaning). We could not sell the bike and people scared with lotsa processes about getting the duplicate papers.
As i went to the side of my house where they'd kept those so called unwanted (to be thrashed) items in covers. To my shock there were 4 big thrash bags filled to the brim...
I first checked the first bag, guess what! my titan edge's warranty card along with bill, couple of expired ATM cards and a valid unexpired ATM card, and few other items(definitely not to be thrashed) is what i recovered. Being the impatient me, mood swings took over and from nowhere i got pissed off and started shouting at my dad. He being him started to resent and give back saying "yeah may be one or two items by mistake"...That's it, hell broke loose and i being the younger, more energetic and most unapologetic took control over the fight. At one stage my dad agreed his mistake and sat quietly.
I should have understood that he is old, an age prone to make such mistakes, i should have been patient enough to handle him and explain him. Instead i vented out on all of my anger(accumulated for so many things) on him non stop. Poor him listened to everything and kept quiet. Somehow i could not be normal at all the whole of the morning, anger kept coming on everything, a sunken feeling along with it, a feeling of guilt took over. I left for work but still something heavy inside as if I've added a big load of sins inside me along with the ones already loaded.
Even as i pen down this rant of mine, i feel so critical about myself as to why am i like this, not able to control myself. This makes me feel even more angry on my own self. I know everyone is not white or black, but a hue of grey..I don't wanna say that as an excuse for my shortcomings...
I just called home to say sorry, my mom took the phone and poor her didn't hear what i said, i immediately raised my voice to her and said 'Can't u hear me or what ?'. Oh God! I don't know how to control my anger, feeling really really low this morning...Not good enough to even apologise to them...
I am angry....nopes furious, that would suit better, it's on myself, it's just me and my mood swings. I blame nobody, i complain about none...it's myself, it's just me and my mood swings...
8 comments:
Things happen like this some times. When time permits just go home and let them know how sorry u feel. Thats it!!! Everyone will start feeling lighter.
And the mood swings...am not sure abt u, but in my case, its usally because of some issue that is troubling me and I havent discussed it with anyone. Wen things go out of control, just talk to someone abt it (in my case, I do it with mom). They might not b able to solve it, but it feels a lot lot better.
Year end pressure ist? It happens to everybody, so nothing to feel guilty and donot indulge on the feeling that u r not able to control it. Intha post u could have written in the night itself, so that morning atleast u would have felt some relief.
Just go home with some sweets and books and DVD-some pravachanam - avvalavuthaan (most important a big smile as though nothing happened)
I am seriously working on it ...
I do the same every now and then.. Whenever I have bad food here, I call my mom and shout at her for eating nice home-made food. I think there is a psycho in each one of us...
Just calm down and think before words are spilled. I am saying it to you and reminding myself too, not to commit this mistake again.
Keep smiling! :-)
Good that you had poured it out here, Must be feeling lots better now..!!
Check out my latest blog for some laughs..!!
Smile coz you dont know how its gonna be tomorrow..!!
Cheer Up..!! :-)
@All,
Thx 4 ur kind words...
The first step is to realise there is a problem, that leads to awareness and that leads to better choices :P all the best.
p.s1: Unnoda room neeya clean pannalame ?
p.s2: Get a partner ;P everything would change immed :P
Completely understand how you must be feeling. And I know its the easiest thing to do, find a scapegoat and vent it all.... but then hope you made up when you got home finally. I dont mean to say, u should tender a formal apology, with your actions itself you can show you are repentant, and thats what matters for parents... Take care Chan..
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